A Bipolar Journey

The photo was taken in the Company Gardens, Cape Town.  There are currently two albino squirrels living there.  

 21 May 2013

We’re always SO scared of being different than anybody else.  We want to fit in, blend in with the group.  Yet we all want others to know how unique we are.

When you live with a mental illness like bipolar disorder, you must know that being different comes with the territory.  It’s something you cannot fight.  Like the mood swings.  It is something other people don’t have and those mood swings, no matter how well controlled, can be violent.  You never know how you’re going to feel when you wake up in the morning.  You can never plan too far in advance.  Hell, I don’t even plan from one day to the next, because I ever so often had to cancel plans or pull out of plans.  You take life day by day, one step at a time.

It is okay to be different, something I still have to learn to fully accept.  It’s a challenge, a difficult reality to face.  But it is MY reality and I have to face it somehow.  Of course I want to fit in.  Yet, in a strange way, it’s also sort of nice to be different.  Being different is okay.

Love Your Loved Ones

Sonneblom

12 May 2013

I’ve had a couple of new experiences since Friday evening. I went to an art movie theatre with a friend. I sat in a pub listening to live music and yesterday I went to an outdoor market I’ve never been to before. With a friend. Afterwards we had coffee at a garden restaurant, filled with old stuff. I think I need to have a new experience today too…

LYLO

Sonneblom

08 May 2013

“I have a plan,” the Gnome of Survival said.  ”It’s not an elaborate plan.  It’s a simple plan, but it will help you.”

“What is your plan?,” the sunflower fairy asked.

“I think you need to talk.  You bottle up.”

“But I talk to the Dragon-like creature,” the sunflower fairy said.  ”I talk to you…”  The Gnome of Survival shook his head.  ”No, you’re not really talking about the things inside you.  The things that’s bothering you.  You may share bits and pieces of that, but not enough.  Not enough to make you better.  That’s why I’m offering you my services.  You trust me, don’t you?”  The sunflower fairy nod.  ”With my life… You know that…”

“You know I’m a good listener.  You and me… on a regular basis, twice before the full moon, we’re going to have a heart to heart.  I want you to talk about everything that’s bugging you.  I want you to get better and…”  The sunflower fairy wrapped her arms around the Gnome of Survival.  ”Thank you,” she whispered.  ”Thank you SO much…”

06 May 2013

I’ve survived this dreaded day well enough so far.  I’m not doing great, but I can bear it.  My heart is shredded and I remember my friend SO clearly.  I can hear his voice, his laugh, feel his hug.

I know that he wouldn’t be ‘happy’ with me if he had to know how sad I am about his death.  He would’ve said something that it was his time to go, to die, to fly free.  He would’ve said he know it’s ripping me apart and it’s bloody sore, but I’ll be okay.  I’ll make it.

The Gnome of Survival (GOS), looked at the sunflower fairy.  ”Why the tears,” he asked.  The sunflower fairly looked at him.  ”I’m sad for Sonneblom.  Her heart is breaking.  She is feeling lost.  And I know what it’s like.  I was lost too.  For a long time.  Then the dragon-like creature found me.  And you came…”  GOS put his arms around the sunflower fairy.  ”Sonneblom is going to be okay, you know.  She has certain things to do, rituals to go through… she must let herself mourn.  But she’s gonna be okay.  She has a shoulder to cry on.  And she have us… the Qwerty forest…  We’ll always be there for her.”

The sunflower fairy sniffed, wiped her tears away.  ”You’re right.  Come, let’s go home.  The dragon-like creature is waiting for us…”

LYLO

Sonneblom

5 May 2013

I have schizo-affective disorder.  It’s a different form of bipolar disorder.  Or so the experts say.  It’s symptoms is a cross between the bipolar symptoms and the schizophrenic symptoms.  I have the joy of hallucinations.  Sometimes they are visual, sometimes I sense things and sometimes I smell things.

Problem is, I don’t know what is real and what not.  Last night I was driving and I saw a very funny looking car.  Like a melted cartoon car.  In my mind that was VERY real, but part of me objected and said it’s not real, it’s a lie.  Drive over it, nothing is going to happen.  Which I did.  Split second decisions must be made sometimes and they can be dangerous.  Because what if they are real?

I’m aware of a hooded figure following me around.  It is a man, as far as I can tell.  Sometimes I think it’s a woman.  I see this hooded figure all over.  I’m aware of it.  I screamed at it one day when I was in the car and it followed me again.  Is it real or am I just dreaming it up?

I know I should simply go with the flow, but yikes, it is sooo difficult.  I don’t want to be different, abnormal or strange.  All I want is to be and feel normal and to fit in.  Is that really so much to ask?

LYLO

Sonneblom

04 May 2013

I’m dreading Monday.  Why?  Because that’s the ‘anniversary’ of the day my friend died.  I still miss him SO much.  I cannot put in words how empty I feel inside.  How sad I still get when I think of him.  I miss our chats, the mere fact that he was always there if I wanted to tell him something.  I miss our happy times together and the advice he gave me…. There are too many things to mention.

So yes, I dread Monday ‘coz I still fee so raw inside.  I have feelings I don’t know how to deal with.  I wish things were different.  I wish he was still alive.  I wish someome could tell me what to do with all these feelings and emotions.  Because I don’t know anymore.

I never knew a heart could be soooo sore…

28 April 2013

I’m not doing well at the moment.  To put it mildly:  my madness is killing me.  I know it’s more than just the madness.  I have ghosts chasing after me.  Ghosts I don’t want to face.  Like death.  Someone close to me passed away and I’m really battling to come to terms with it.

I’ve told a friend last week that I’ll go with her today to do sight-seeing not too far from home.  Go experience another town, drink coffee in a different coffee shop.  Feel and experience something else.  I’ve been making plans since yesterday to get out of it, but in the end I’ve decided that I’ve made a commitment and I need to stick to it.  I cannot drop my friend.

So just before noon we hit the road.  Not far.  We’re in Cape Town, South Africa.  The nice thing about Cape Town is that you can go to so many places without really driving too far.  We went to Franschoek where we walked around at the Hugenot Monument (huge garden) and from there we went to Paarl to the Afrikaanse Taal monument (Afrikaans language monument).  We walked around there, took photo’s, had a late lunch, more coffee and then we took a drive through town and did some more sight seeing.  We ended our trip with more coffee at a place on our way home.  The afternoon took my mind off my ghosts and madness, so yes, the time out did me good.

Huguenot Monument, Franschoek

Afrikaanse Taal Monument

27 April 2013

I’m not doing too well at the moment.  I want to be left alone but at the same time, I want people to tell me to be with them.  Odd.  Anyway, this morning I’ve been taking it very easy.  Browsed the internet and phoned around for a flash for my camera – it’s time for me to learn more about photography.  And I’ve learned a bit more about another program.  Not complicated stuff, but something else to get use to.

Now I’m off to the Company Gardens in Cape Town centre to go feed the squirrels en pigeons.  I LOVE doing it.  It’s peaceful to be in the garden surrounded by the pigeons and squirrels and just be.  And later, when I’m done in the gardens, I’m taking myself to see a movie.  Okay, so maybe it’s not the best way to spend a Saturday, but it’s okay.  It’s the way I want to spend my day.  It’s my way of being kind to myself.

What have you done today to be kind to yourself?

LYLO

Sonneblom

ps – the photo at the top was taken from the Gardens.  For those of you who don’t know, it’s Table Mountain from a bit of a different angle.

22 April 2013

So Monday is done and dusted.  I had to run an errand to get some copies made for our support group meeting tomorrow night.  I decided that I need a treat.  I need to be kind to myself.  So I took myself for coffee after my errand was done.  I always tell people to be kind to themselves.  I ask people if they’ve been kind to themselves.  I believe that is important.  Do something good for you.  And that was just what I did.  To have coffee with yourself is maybe not a massive treat, but it is something different to do.  Something outside of my routine.  Something I needed.  Brother-dear, I always tell you to be kind to yourself.  Well, take note, tonight I’ve been kind to me…

LYLO

Sonneblom