March 18, 2013 in Sexual Health and Education
Why do we find it so hard to forgive in relationships?
So hard to let go of being right?
So hard to let go of being wronged?
Lessons are learned in so many ways in our lives, and so often when we make a mistake, a decision that doesn’t serve us, a decision based in fear or anxiety, we travel to a place that is not our true selves.
Yet that place can transform us.
If we let it.
In the beginning of my Tantric journey, I had an experience that I really felt uncomfortable with.
And for years that experience lived with me as a “mistake”.
I realized how that experience had taught me so much about what not to do with my clients, how to create safety for them in the healing and release space, how to respect others’ boundaries even when they can’t speak them, and how to go slowly with this work.
How to be gentle.
If I’ve learned anything from Jonti, it’s that gentle works deeper, more profoundly, sometimes more slowly, yet with lasting impact.
And what I’ve learned recently is to communicate verbally in the same way, with gentleness. That calm truth brings incredibly deep lasting effects too.
Although I have never struggled to communicate (talking and sharing has always been an easy space for me) to communicate my really deep fears, wishes, boundaries and desires is often to be so emotionally overwhelmed that I express everything from a place of fear and cease to care about the consequences.
That’s not gentle.
And it doesn’t work.
Most real and truthful communication is difficult, because its not what we’re taught, not what we’ve had much experience of.
Real sexual communication is on an even deeper level.
When we can’t communicate lovingly about our deepest selves, our sexual selves, it’s almost impossible to be truthful in other communication.
During a breath workshop a while ago, the teacher said something that really stuck with me.
He said that the most destructive lies we ever tell are those that are to “protect someone’s feelings”
I thought about that a lot. Because it’s really true. We anticipate hurting someone’s feelings by expressing some aspect of ourselves, so we lie.
We see it as protecting others, when actually it’s destructive for ourselves and others.
We think we know how they are going to react, we base that on the past, whether that’s past relationships, or even past communications with that particular person, and we take responsibility for another’s emotions by changing our truth.
We’ve all done it, those lies when we don’t really want to see someone, or we’re too tired to face family, or…..
Well. We’ve all done it.
And sometimes we would rather lie than tell the truth because we’re afraid of an emotional reaction, an ego sleight.
The truth is no matter what we think, we are not responsible for how someone chooses to feel in any given situation.
I’m not talking about someone being deliberately cruel to hurt another, I’m talking about the times we are afraid to speak our truth “in case” it hurts someone’s feelings, or brings up emotion for them. The times when we lie because we are afraid of the response our truth may invoke.
So, we make mistakes in our relationships, we tell a little lie, we omit to share, we fake orgasm, we have mediocre sex, when we could be telling the truth and going deeper into who we really are, where our relationships can actually go with truth and support.
We make mistakes.
What I have learned is that the truth spoken in love, calmly, always has a more long term beneficial effect.
The mistakes I have made are nearly always based upon being emotionally overwrought and making decisions in that space.
And the lies I’ve told have nearly always been about “protecting” someone’s feelings, or to avoid their perceived anger.
So, I’m going back to square one, to the root, learning who I am sexually, what I really want from my relationships, and how to really communicate about that, allowing for change, for letting go of old patterns of communication.
Taking this awareness into all relationship, asking for what I would like, being specific, and being ready to honestly accept someone else’s response, whatever that may be.
It’s never too late to acknowledge your mistakes as your teachers, letting them guide you into a different way to do things.
So, I will embrace my mistakes, my teachers.
I will forgive the mistakes I have made in my relationships.
I will let them go, and thank them as the bittersweet teachers that they are…
I am missing Jonti so much already. As this newsletter goes out he will be in the very centre of his Vision Quest in Cape Town, spending four days in the wilderness with 20 litres of water, having an experience, a vision, and certainly a Quest!
Keep him in your thoughts, love and energy as he has his adventure…
With gentleness, light and laughter
We wish you SO much pleasure…
Jonti & Anne-Marie
Woman to Woman Yoni Massage
For one month Anne-Marie will be offering a special on woman to woman Yoni Massage. A beautiful, sensual and sometimes quite emotional experience, sharing this experience with all feminine energy is a very new experience for most women.
Yoni Massage often opens up pleasure possibilities for woman including the possibilities of internal orgasm, becoming more clitorally orgasmic and deep uterine (A-Spot) pleasure.
The massage is about pleasure, moving that energy deep within the Yoni and spreading that into the entire body.
The massage is usually R850, for one month you can book this massage with Anne-Marie for R500.
For more details or to book:
We will have a new workshop schedule soon for April, and don’t forget that we teach all of our workshops as private lessons as well for those who feel a little too shy to attend the workshop with other people.
Workshops available as private lessons:
-Expanded Orgasm (includes an E-Book valued at R350)
-The Art of Sex includes information on the G -Spot and female ejaculation
-What Woman Want
-Taoist Massage for Men & Women
-The G -Spot and female ejaculation
-Tantric Sensual Full Body Massage
-Sacred Sexual Massage for Men & Women
(note ADULT content on following site)